This paper was originally presented at ICSA’s 2023 Annual International Conference in Louisville, KY, and then published in ICSA Today, Volume 15, No. 1, 2024.

Each member or former member of a cultic group has their own particular and unique story and their own particular and unique process of recovery. But there may be some common features. I hope my story will help you with yours.

When I pronounced religious vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience at age 18 in the Legion of Christ, I had no idea of the coercive nature of that Catholic religious order. I lived in its straightjacket for 23 years, which included priestly ordination at age 26, and 13 years of ministry on an emotional and spiritual rollercoaster. I ejected impulsively at age 41, “shipwrecked in the spirit,” my life in a shambles.

I emerged from a deep dark abyss, moving gradually into a world of light and life, fed by the kindness of friends and strangers, and a dogged survival instinct. An interview with Michael Langone, PhD, ICSA’s executive director at the time, helped me become more clearly aware of the stages of my recovery. I would like to share those stages and elements of recovery with others so that they may find hope and perhaps some pointers towards healing and happiness. These include finding a safe place, a support group, understanding the cult or high-control group and the exit process, discovering one’s true self, forging a new career or life path forward, and creating a joyful life.

Seeds of salvation

Having lived safe and secluded in the Legion of Christ for 23 years, when I abruptly left, I felt totally lost and devastated. I also feared I had made a passionate/reckless decision.  Neil Diamond’s “Love on the Rocks” became my theme song.

Although I had bound myself (or let myself be bound) with vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, attachment and fealty to my religious order, and a vow of celibacy and commitment to the Catholic priestly ministry, all was not well in Camelot. I was not the total tabula rasa (i.e. blank slate) that many high-control groups prefer their recruits to be. Legion of Christ’s motto might be “the younger the better.” I was 17, not one of the 11-year-olds the order continues to recruit/capture. Even so, I was a naïve and sentimental, idealistic Dubliner.

The Trojan horse in my religious fortress was the fact that I had never totally belonged. This would have demanded from me a total surrender (entrega total in Spanish) to the Legion of Christ, its numerous rules, and its operating system. Some kind of lingering doubt had prevented me from totally believing and totally surrendering. From the onset, controlling “formators” (selected members who train novices and seminarians) had tried to obliterate doubt. “To doubt is to be unfaithful.” But doubt had lingered, maybe unconsciously or subconsciously, in the form of some tenuous capacity for critical thinking about the group, despite all of the aforementioned commitments. This may have laid some foundation for the precipitous break.

My sinful doubts were my seeds of salvation. Plus, the harrowing nature of my leaving had one great advantage: I made a total break from the group and would never look back nostalgically or go back. I rejected and disowned my Legion spouse and promised myself never to make the same mistake again. After all, I was now 41 and did not have many more lives/mistakes left.

How about flipping the script from seeing my doubts as sinful, and instead give myself some credit?

Bibliotherapy

Another saving grace was that during my theological studies in Rome, one of my superiors had given me special permission to read books in English so as not to lose my command of the language and also to review books suitable for consumption by the shielded “community.” I had been speaking Spanish almost exclusively from the time I entered at age 17. This gave me some contact with an outside world beyond rules and control. I must confess I indulged in several Graham Greene novels which gave me insight into human nature and its weaknesses.

When I was 33, my superior general, Fr. Marcial Maciel, chose me to start a religious education center in Mexico City. Faithful to my vow of Holy Obedience, I followed through. The mission afforded a sliver of freedom outside the house compound. I had to read and study, which implied permission to drive (by myself!) to the Catholic bookstore and buy the books I needed. Bless you, Father Basilio Nuñez! Spontaneously I chose books I liked, books that would answer my own needs. It also opened a window into Catholic and Christian spirituality and theology beyond the dry biscuits I was fed at home for the previous 15 years.

Those books were an initial window broadening the narrow view of the Legion cage. Later on, I would find classic cult recovery titles by Steven Hassan, Janja Lalich, and Michael Langone—in addition to ICSA literature, and testimonies and memoirs by reputable authors—as being especially useful.

Anger is not always a bad thing

In many oppressive groups, you are made to believe that anger is bad. In some Christian groups that belief is strongly taught and imposed. The same, unofficial commandment may be at work in some Eastern religious groups: “Thou shalt not be angry!” I was led to believe that. But anger saved me.

If I had not grown progressively angry with my guru, Fr. Marcial Maciel, I might still be a member of the Legion of Christ. After blowing my top with him I felt guilty for a long time. Gradually, I came to understand that had I not pulled that trigger I would still be in there, depressed, angry, resentful, and in danger of falling into further mental illness and real aberrations.

I needed to forgive myself and learn the true nature of anger: a (healthy) physiological and psychological reaction to hurt, suffering, and mistreatment. In my case it was the emotional explosive that blew my superego away and opened the path to freedom.

Scared and buying time

After leaving, try not to make any hasty or radical decisions. Scrambling after a total shipwreck, you may be scared witless. Get on solid ground.

Sadly, I have witnessed departing priests from the Legion of Christ, as well as the religious and lay members of the umbrella Regnum Christi Movement, make what I consider rash decisions shortly after exiting. As they leave they are still under the influence of superiors and spiritual directors who want to control the members’ exiting and early decisions. “Get married and raise a good Catholic family,” they have often been told. This advice saves the group from further bother from these former members but often leads to rash decisions and more premature commitments.

I suggest a transition period, biding time, and withholding further commitments.

Fear, or survival instinct, helped me. I was afraid of having made a rash decision about leaving and perhaps I was also afraid of facing the big bad world outside my 23-year-long cocoon. I was alone and had nothing. Flailing around and needing to find a lifeline, I reached out desperately for something or someone who would understand and help.

A serendipitous shot in the dark found a confrere a few thousand miles away (the distance between Cancun and Washington, DC). He offered a less scary option: I could leave the order but continue practicing my priesthood. This enabled me to buy time and made my leaving less impulsive and drastic, creating a transition period marked by the kindness of acquaintances, friends, and others.

The support group

Luck or Providence would have it that in Washington, DC I would hook up with my informal exit facilitator and three other priests who left around the same time. We Irish-born former Legion of Christ members formed a band of four musketeers. As Michael Langone so insightfully pointed out to me in our ICSA video interview, I was able to begin my healing process with their understanding, comradery, friendship, and support.

One of them, Fr. Peter Cronin, R.I.P., began explaining the cultic nature of the Legion of Christ and what had happened to us. Although I was still constrained as a priest, the atmosphere I lived in during my four Washington, DC years was in stark contrast to my previous restrictive lifestyle, where my thoughts and feelings had been controlled, my every action monitored and judged.

A heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders, and I began to have options. Though not very together mentally and emotionally, I somehow made the prudent decision to study counseling. Engaging with a good match individual therapist helped me become aware both of my options and the responsibility that came with them.

The Therapist

Still very depressed and confused, I stumbled around my priestly duties. Serendipity/providence would have it that in my forays I bumped into a Catholic worker who was younger and much more balanced and mature. She gently remarked that my transition from the Legion of Christ must be stressful. (Understatement of the year!).  Might some individual therapy help? She gave me two referrals: an active Marist Brother and a former Jesuit priest.

was beginning to hang out his shingle and was charging a reduced fee. Or was the fee especially for dazed Catholic priests in the midst of a mid-life crisis? Peter was renting out space at St. Joseph’s on Capitol Hill in Washington, DC. He sat there quiet and relaxed, smoking his pipe while I poured out my guts. His summary at the end of the long session was stunningly simple and accurate: “Well, Paul, sounds like you’ve been bouncing off the walls of the Legion of Christ for the past 23 years.” Later on, I was overwhelmed by his low-key, “Paul, what would you like to do with the rest of your life?”

Life is about decisions. I had never made any clear one in my life.

While this was a hard truth to face, I want to return to the piece about giving ourselves credit for our survival and recovery. My good intuition, which had helped me choose helpful books while still in the Legion, had enabled me to find the right fit therapist.

Through him I would learn about eschewing guilt/blame and taking responsibility for my actions. That was a major discovery and conquest.

The Job Problem

A few years later I needed to work with another therapist to make the big decision to leave the active priesthood. It was a tall order, to face the prospect of abandoning my priestly vocation and returning to the lay state. It meant becoming a regular person without bed and board,  and no special clerical privileges or perks.

Again, I must give myself credit for having laid some groundwork for the big leaving. While in the active priesthood I had befriended a Portuguese couple. They nurtured me with delicious meals and healthy affection. When I decided to leave the active priestly ministry, it was time to step out into the big, bad world. My Portuguese friend, Esmeralda, helped me find a place to stay. Kind souls donated dishes and cutlery. Just one problem: How to pay the rent?

It was the year 1989. Armed with my MA in counseling from the Catholic University of America, I set about the job search as a single male at 45, new to the US, with no tangible job experience. How to translate my interpersonal skills and my command of the Spanish language into something viable? I took what I could: a 16-hour-a-week gig teaching English as a Second Language to mostly Hispanic students at Fairfax County Adult Education paying $11.00 an hour. Thank you, Adult Education Coordinator, Nancy Scesney. That brought in around $700 a month. The rent was $500. Welcome to the real world, Paul! Things couldn’t get worse. And they did get better…

A New Career

I began to enjoy the ESL classes and my re-encounter with Hispanic warmth. I had enough social skills to make friends with other community workers at Bailey’s Crossroads, Falls Church, Virginia. They alerted me to a better-paying job.  I summoned the courage to apply for a position with a non-profit, Northern Virginia Family Services. The position required an MA in counseling, and my Spanish language skills were a plus. Thank you, Ann Wood, for hiring me and being a wonderful supervisor! My job title, Community Development Specialist, involved providing support to Hispanic and Vietnamese families living in the Culmore low-income housing neighborhood. Basically, a combination of social work and counseling, it provided me more fulfilling, lucrative, and self-enhancing employment. I spent many hours advocating for tenants in danger of being evicted, as well as students threatened with expulsion from the local elementary school. Now, for the first time, I had a salary and health insurance.

I trip and fall forward.

The isolated atmosphere of my years in the Legion of Christ far away from the US, and the sheltered nature of my Catholic priestly life in the Washington, DC area, had left several holes in my life skills and inculturation. I was yet to know about resources for those of us coming out of isolation into the world, such as Livia Bardin’s Starting Out in Mainstream America ⁵. My ignorance of American diversity and mores contributed to a faux pas and the loss of a step up in my Fairfax County position. A lack of professional tact shot me in the foot, and I had to start all over again to scale the professional counseling ladder. I learned from my mistake and waited, finally landing my best job: Child and Family Therapist with Human Services of Arlington County, Virginia. Thank you, Diana Manganelli, for believing in this still inexperienced, single, 50-year-old Spanish-speaking foreign Caucasian! And more than transformed me over those years.

Friends, Family and Romance

I had been very clear with myself on my road to recovery that I would not make any further hasty decisions, meaning not committing to a serious relationship or entering marriage soon after leaving the priesthood. I was actually angry at the Legion of Christ and Regnum Christi and their so-called spiritual directors telling exiting celibate members to get married and raise a family. I wanted to learn to be independent. I spent many lonely hours being single, which meant eating out and going to the movies alone. Slowly, I began to socialize with new groups of friends. I was still attached to Mexico and became close friends with three Mexican couples; around 1990, I began joining them for meals and family celebrations. I also had a small group of English-speaking friends: my Portuguese couple, an American single woman, and a Swiss-born atheist biologist and his English-born wife. I dated quite a bit without getting overly involved.

Among my priorities was getting back my family. For 23 years I had been separated from my four sisters, their spouses, and their children. Newfound freedom and income enabled me to visit them in Ireland and renew our relationships. I remember one very intense encounter where we ironed out our misunderstandings, and I was able to apologize to them for my isolation and silence. I made a point of visiting family in Ireland every 2 or 3 years and have been able to normalize our relationships and build strong bonds with some nieces and nephews, a source of great satisfaction and joy.

ICSA and Aura

International Cultic Studies Association has helped put my former group Legion of Christ/Regnum Christi, whose nomenclature had morphed into the Regnum Christi Federation, on the world radar of harmful groups. Our first breakthrough, a presentation at an international conference, came through a victim of the founder Father Marcial Maciel’s sexual abuse. Other former members gradually made their way into the field through presentations and studies. My participation in the group’s activities, collegial collaboration, networking, and friendships over the past 30 years has been very healing and fulfilling.

In my 60s, and living in the Washington, DC area, just before traveling to Brussels for the ICSA annual conference, I began a relationship with a smart and pretty Guatemalan woman. We continued to get to know each other on my return, and soon we were a couple. She gave me a second family to care for and by which to be cared for. We were at the same life stage and soon would retire from our jobs and plan the next stage of our lives. This ultimately led us to settle in Guatemala, Central America. So now I am a happy Irish-Mexican-Guatemalan enjoying life, still fighting the good fight for truth and justice in my own limited way, open to new challenges and adventures.

 

[1] At this link, you can find the author’s video presentation from the ICSA 2023 Conference, entitled: “My Stages of Recovery from a Coercive Catholic Religious Order.” Go to: https://vimeo.com/827455498?share=copy

[2] This phrase, “a naïve and sentimental Dubliner,” was the main title of the author’s memoir, published on St. Patrick’s Day, 2020. It is available on Amazon. The full title is A Naive and Sentimental Dubliner in the Legion of Christ: Surviving and Thriving after Dealings with Pedophile, Psychopath, Legion of Christ Founder, Fr. Marcial Maciel.

[3] This special bookstore was La Liberia Parroquial, Claveria, Mexico City.

[4] This complete video is available online at ICSA’s member portal, at https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yxj4C-dnjgQbRvpOFkjt-w8CoJI8a-Zk/view

[5] Livia’s Barden resource, Starting Out in Mainstream America, can be accessed at https://sites.google.com/icsahome.com/starting-out

About the Author

Paul Lennon, STL, MA, LPC, Board member, Regain Network (Religious Groups Awareness International Network). Mr. Lennon was a Legion of Christ brother from 1961 to 1969 and an LC priest from 1969 to 1984. He served as a Diocesan priest from 1985 to 1989 and received an MA in Counseling from the Catholic University of America in 1989. For 20 years he worked as a Child and Family Therapist in Arlington, Virginia. In 2008 he published a memoir, Our Father who art in bed, A Naive and Sentimental Dubliner in the Legion of Christ which was the first version of what would become A Naive and Sentimental Dubliner in the Legion of Christ…